It ain’t all roses…

I’ve never hated you. At times I wished you were dead. That was the anger talking then. I think that’s worse than hating someone, don’t you? If you were dead I’d never get to know why you gave me up, I’d never have to face you. But hated you, never. How could you hate the person who gave you life? You can’t. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be alive. A lot of people thought I’d hate you… Some even wanted me to hate you. Expected me to hate you… I can’t. I wasn’t raised that way. My parents taught me to love not hate. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some feelings about you that weren’t so kind in my life. Disappointment, anger, sadness, jealousy, & pain but hatred isn’t one of them.

Why didn’t you want me?
Who would just give up their child? You did. For 19 years I wondered why you left me at the hospital! How could you just leave? I got my answer. To this day I’m honestly not satisfied with the answer but there’s nothing I can do about that. I wasn’t there when you made that decision. That’s between you and God. I can’t help but wonder if there was a better option though. Family? friends? Anybody in the family? Why didn’t you leave me with one of your many siblings? In my mind there’s no possible reason for you to have given up your baby. 

But then again, when you think about it this was the best option! You know why mom, because I AM ME! You made me! That moment you left me in that hospital and never came back MADE ME WHO I AM TODAY! If it wasn’t for you I would not be the strong black woman that I am today. My strength came as a result of your decision. I wouldn’t be me if you hadn’t left me.

I wanted to know you all my life. To hold you. To see you everyday and catch up on the things I missed of what would’ve been my life. What were you like when you were my age? What did you like to do? What were your hopes and dreams and aspirations? But it’s not like that. Like the saying goes, It ain’t all roses. Don’t know why I expected it to be…Guess that’s the image I dreamed up in my head all these years. We don’t talk unless we see each other, which is not often. You sometimes send me a message on my birthday. I know that day must be hard for you, if you even think about it. Reliving the moment you walked away. I know that wasn’t easy. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’d love a better relationship but I’ll take what I can get it. Everyone else has accepted me, once they found out, and I’m ok with that. My brother loves me…My aunts and cousins love me. They make up for a lot that I feel I’m missing from you. No one can replace you but they sure do make me feel part of the family. 

You know what’s funny, I’m just like you. It amazes me! I look exactly like you. Didn’t need to take a DNA test to prove that, I’m your twin. I always wondered where I got this mouth from, you. Where this feistiness came from, that’s all you. Even got the same hairstyle. Yet, we’re so different…

I hope one day you’ll finally be ok with me being around. Living on edge worrying about what people think isn’t healthy. It’s in the past now everyone knows now, no one cares. It is what it is. But I understand, it’s still hard for you…I get it. You gave me life and I could never repay you for that. I thank you for that. 

From the bottom of my heart,

Your daughter.

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